T-Swift to Cody: We are never, ever getting back together

The ultimate Iceman MixTape

With over one million email responses to this years Iceman write up, we had to get creative in our approach to deliver the best possible advice for the 2021 event. Rather than take the pro’s out for a course preview, our agents got in touch with a large group of famous entertainers for a pre-ride. It was a long day, but we were able to dial in the most important parts of the course. Organized and led by Snoop Dog, Dr Dre, and the Wu-Tang Clan, we found ourselves having to defer to a less colorful summary of the day’s events. Below is a small sample entry from Katy Perry’s diary regarding how the ride unfolded.

“Starting at the Kalkaska Airport we noticed that Taylor Swift looked angry. Apparently, her wave wasn’t what she wanted it to be and her message to Cody was “We are never, ever getting back together.” Nearby, Toni Braxton, also feeling sad and defeated about her wave, asked if someone could “un-break her heart.” Meanwhile, Dave Grohl and Brian Johnson were in the background taunting the ladies by yelling things like “Thunderstruck” and “It’s times like these you learn to live again.” At the back of the pack Eminem pointed at Seal yelling “there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” We weren’t sure what to do with Tony Kenning as he reminded us that “the drummer from Def Leppard only has one arm.” He seemed fine on his rigid fat bike. Kanye West, missing the start time by 5 minutes, rolled up to the back of the pack before we hit the dirt, saying “You should be honored by my lateness.” The drag race from the airport to the dirt started fast and furious. The only mishap was when the Foo Fighters got tangled up with Rage Against the Machine for a gnarly crash which turned into a fist fight. When asked if they were ok, Grohl responded with “Run and tell the angels this could take all night.” Kelly Clarkson didn’t miss a beat as she rolled through on her E-bike whispering, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “

“The ride continued at an average speed of 6 mph and took up most of the day. The entry into Timber was pretty uneventful until Lizzo came up at a dead sprint, waving her middle finger. The last words we heard as she crossed the mock finish line were: “that’s the sound of me not callin’ you back.” We are pretty sure this was her way of telling Clarkson that her E-bike didn’t hold a candle to her single speed, but we will never know for sure.”

*For more details on the course preview, visit www.gizoogle.net/textilerzer.php Parent Advisory Strongly Recommended.

OK, I’ll get serious for a second – but just one second.

I have the honor of spending my days with 75 plus athletes who choose to show up and better themselves week after week. I get a front row seat to their battles. I get to be the one who finds the success in their physical and mental failures. I consider myself the luckiest coach on the planet. Fight me, I dare you. We’ve been waiting for two years to race this course and I could not be more excited to watch it unfold this weekend.

We’ve heard the complaints: you hate your wave, you hate the course and you are mad at Sean Kickbush for having that “anger face” so dialed. I’m here to tell you, if you haven’t found a silver lining yet, you should probably just become a spectator. I know that some of the wave assignment anger is justified, but I’m going to “go there” and tell you to suck it up and be thankful that you “get to” do this kind of shit. How stoked are you about all of those “hand quotes” I tossed in there? If you are mad about the course, maybe take a second and consider how YOU would find balance in making 5,300 people happy. Lastly, if you have been studying start line photo’s of Kickbush, I’ve got bad news: that’s just the way he looks, folks. You will never master it.

It’s time to get some rest, hydrate your face off and figure out your afterparty plan. If you trained: I wish you the best day you ever had on your bike- time to go to war - no excuses - execute. If you didn’t train: I hope you suffer, have a blast, and come back next year with a vengeance. If this is your first time and you have no idea what to expect: embrace all of it and learn as much as you can- you are the true heroes of this event.

Saturday is going to be an amazing day. No matter what shape you are in for the race, keep your wheels down, don’t be a dick and smile as often as you can! Special shout to our Coach Josh who will be hammering his single speed faster than Lizzo!

As for me, I’m heading out to ride Iceman this year on my fatty. As much as I look forward to racing Iceman in the future, this year is all about doing what I can for those who can’t. This ones for you, Jack Kline, Braiden Voss, and Brett Miller. Thank you all for setting a prime example of what is most important in our short time on this earth.

Thanks for playing along - hoping for my writers block to dissolve by spring!

-Belt

T-Swift to Cody: We are never, ever getting back together.